Nah, 'asshole' is a good term for it. I was trying to shoulder a whole lot of things on my own, refusing to let anyone help me. Because I'd always been that way, able to survive by myself, and part of me thought I'd be weak if I let anyone into my struggles, even just a little bit. Even... for things like this... -Another bite, another sip, another sigh.-
After last month, I was basically forced to look at my life, where it was now, and how much different it is than I ever expected to be. Not just because of retrospec and the stuff I see the other me go through, or the memories my friends all have to face. Just all of it, together. My childhood, my life now...
I always thought... I had no right to burden others with my problems, you know? That everyone was already dealing with so much, that I'd only just be another problem... Well, it turns out my feelings are another thing I was ready to just square up and prop up onto my back and carry like a weight, even if it killed me...
It's why Sakura hides the bottom half of her face into her knees, biting her lip out of sight. Nervous, as if May is pointedly narrating all of Sakura's faults along with her own. She feels the hairs on the back of her neck rise--
And then forces herself to stop it, just listen. There's a point to all of this, and more than anything it's clear that May's been holding too much in. After a pause, Sakura nods with a quiet sigh.]
I... get it. I really do. [Another nod, another silent exhale] But don't ever think your feelings would be a burden to me, okay? I want to support you any way I can.
Well... -Another bite. Another sip. Another sigh. Don't cower out now. You've come this far. Sakura may have ducked her head, it was impossible not to notice, but it wasn't a retreat. She just had to form the words in her mind, translate them from the language of her heart in a way that would be clear...-
Well. I know you mean that. But this might be a little different, since...
[That's... um. Not that Sakura had any idea where this might lead, but she feels befuddled and suddenly nervous when told the source of May's problems might be... herself.
Unbidden, she brings her head up, expression slowly morphing into horror]
-In contrast to Sakura's fear, May's own shifted into something softer, all edges gone, only warmth and her admiration remaining, as honest a smile as she'd ever given the other girl, meeting her eye to eye as she set the fork down. This was it. It was now... or never.-
You ain't gotta make a face like that, Sakura. You did do something, but it's probably the greatest thing that's ever happened to me...
I can't say when it began. When you bought me ice cream when I was about ready to let myself drown in the ocean... when we met by chance at the shelter, and I could see how tired your eyes were, and I wanted only to return the favor...
Waking up every morning, hearing your voice, knowing it was a sign I was gonna have a good day, no matter what happened, so long as I still had that voice, that face to see day after day.
Holding you when you cried. Laughing with you when you told a joke. The time I've been with you, even if it's been relatively short, has been the greatest treasure.
... When I felt like it might all go away, that there was a possibility of a world without you to share it with...
... Remember, at your birthday party, you said I'd find the 'right person' someday, and I said I already had?
[Even for Sakura, there's only so long she can keep the wool over her eyes.
She's heard bits and pieces of this already -- May has never been shy about admitting Sakura's importance in her life -- but Sakura can feel the difference now, in how May looks at her, speaks to her, the overwhelming fondness permeating the air.
She remembers responding to it in kind, blindly devoting her affections to her best friend. Very blindly, it's now dawning on her.
Sakura's eyes are the width of saucers, breath frozen in her lungs]
-There it was. May let out another sigh, but this time more than just air left her lungs. That old tension, the burden of holding everything in her chest to the point it would burst open, was gone. But there was something new in its place, an uncertainty that was tangible. There was no longer anything but the truth between them.-
Yeah... I love you, Sakura. -No, she'd said that before, hadn't she? But this was different. Her very tone was different. This was an honesty between May, Sakura, and God.
The ball was, officially, finally, in Sakura's court.-
[And Sakura's answer, at least to start with, is... silence.
She doesn't think to look away from her friend; she's already been caught by May's stare, so there's no hiding the shocked static on her end, that she's at a loss for words.
There's only so long she can stay guarded from her emotions, however. Sakura's always been an expressive girl -- quiet, yes, eager to please the people around her, but she lacks the experience necessary to craft a convincing lie in the heat of the moment.
And so slowly, her eyebrows begin to knot, eyes widening still, mouth pulling into a line. She's not wearing surprise...
-Surprising even herself, and maybe a mark of how much she'd mentally matured in just a short few months, Sakura's reaction didn't sting quite as much as she'd thought it would. There was still a pain there, but it was a subtle one, and one she'd kind of known was coming...-
I should be the one apologizing... -Sakura hadn't said it, but she knew that tone. She'd heard it so many times before, even if there was a different, distinct, fragile quality to it now.-
But please... Don't feel pressured to return my feelings. I... I know I don't really have a right to them. What I've decided, is that no matter what happens... I plan to still be here at your side, no matter what label we have for each other. -Or what becomes of them as the future unfolds. Because she can see, at least partially, into Sakura's heart, and see that uncertainty.-
So... sorry. But I have to live honestly with you from here on, or we would have both almost died for nothing.
[She hopes the words don't sound automatic; she doesn't mean them to be. More than anything, Sakura wants to stay true to her promise -- that she'll support May no matter what, and with no secrets between them.
... God, but she's such a fool. In the face of May's kind acceptance, Sakura fights back a swell of tears as the memories play behind her eyes: every moment they've shared, and how her best friend must've been suffering the entire time while Sakura looked on oblivious.
In the end, she couldn't even give May the answer she was looking for, on her birthday of all days.]
Thank you, though... for telling me. [It rings like a consolation prize, but it's all she can offer. Her hands fidget against themselves as she looks down at the bed sheet] I'm glad you won't have to hide it anymore.
I mean... that's part of it. -Because there was still very much a reason May had kept it to herself.-
But are you gonna be okay? Everything I was worried about, the whole reason I'd tried so hard to keep it a secret, was because I was afraid of burdening you with my feelings. I know you're going through so much, everything that's happened so far...
I know it must seem childish, but I just thought I'd create problems for you if I ever said any of this, or did anything to make it more obvious...
[It's not so much a lie if she just... wills herself to be alright for the sake of her friend, is it? Well no matter. The spotlight's on her, so Sakura puts a smile on her face, looking back in May's direction]
Even if that weren't the case, you shouldn't have to shoulder a burden just because I'm...
[The trail off ends with a shrug, her fingers finally stilling]
We're still best friends, aren't we? So... things aren't going to change.
-In all honesty, May had seen that coming. With a hum, she set the tray aside, pulling herself free of the bedsheet and crawling closer to Sakura, right into her face, looking as if she was closely inspecting a piece of gear, staring a much more direct line into Sakura.
This girl, she knew too well to just smile in situations like this, right? Hell she had to have someone chase off an unwanted admirerer for her, not that May blamed her for it. Those were pretty awkward positions to be in, and she'd just put Sakura in one at that moment, even if things were different in their relationship than what Sakura had with a classmate.
She may not be carrying that burden anymore, at least not the same one, one that settled in a bit more easily across her back, and didn't pull at her heart like a hook so much as it was like wearing a weighted blanket... But she still needed the assurance that Sakura would be able to handle this, or confessing it would have been completely for not.
She didn't need Sakura to love her back, not the same way she loved her. But she did need her to be 'okay', and she wasn't quite convinced.-
Because you're what? Come on, girl, you gotta be as honest with me as I just was with you. Of course we're still ride or die, but if there's stuff we gotta work on together, you gotta tell me... Please...
[Maybe if this was the first conversation she's had about this, Sakura would be more caught off-guard by May's question. Instead, it seems like everyone is pushing more than usual, all of these gentle insistences that Sakura not hide behind her smile.]
That I'm oblivious, I meant.
[At least she can give May the truth here; it's an easy one to admit. Often times she's locked in her own head, and look at how many problems it ends up creating.]
You probably tried to tell me in your own way a couple of times, but I didn't see it, no matter how obvious it was.
-Well that was a different sort of stab in the heart, at least, if only because it reminded May how really terrible she'd been at keeping it a secret...-
W-well... -She sheepishly pulled back.- Not on purpose... The fact is, I was trying really hard to keep it to myself, but that night at your birthday, I slipped.
See... and feel free to tell me this was a dumb idea because I know it was -Kei even told her as much- but... I was so tired of keeping it to myself, I thought if I dressed real nice and flirted a bit with you, that you'd fall for me and then I wouldn't have to keep it secret anymore.
-A long sigh, pinching her eyes shut and rubbing at her temples.- I know, I know, that was never gonna work and I wound up making you worry about me instead.
But I think I'm done with dumb shit like that for now. I'm happy to just be where we are. But now you at least know how I feel... If nothing happens, I'm at peace with that.
That's a phrase that sits awkwardly in her stomach, tossing up anxiety and concern alike. Much as she knows she's probably making assumptions, it gives the sense that May is still waiting on the final, final verdict -- that Sakura's feelings might change with time.
In other words, an expectation. And if she were surprised by how well this was going, now the true hurdle has appeared. Sakura sits silent for a moment.]
May-chan...
[...]
Do you... still want me to stay here? On the ship with you? Even though I don't... feel like that?
-... Part of her wonders if it'd be easier for them both if they did part ways. Neither would have to spend their days carrying any kind of awkward emotional labors for the other. Sakura wouldn't have to worry about crossing any boundaries that would send the wrong signals. May didn't have to worry about pushing things too far in a direction that validated her own feelings.
But the truth was...-
I do. Because beyond what I feel, you're still the most important person to me here... And whether it's as my best friend or as my lover, I don't... really want to be in a world where you're not a constant part of my life.
That... must sound really childish, right? Or... idk, the word. Co-dependent, maybe? Like, I know it's impossible to go back to how simple things were before, but it was never that simple, was it? Mostly... I just can't imagine how I'd live without you.
[With the question out, Sakura's thoughts can't help but mirror May's -- that this has "Bad Idea" written all over it, and what the two of them need more than anything is distance and time.
It doesn't change that what she ends up feeling is a deep sense of relief when May gives her the truth. For better or worse, the Mayship is like her home. Where would she even go? It'd be too much to ask her sister for help, and even Kei.
And more than that... she cares too much about May to leave her alone on this giant ship.]
-That was a relief they shared, with May's smile softening again, warm as it had been before, letting out one last sigh.-
Thank you... I'm gonna do my best to make sure neither of us regrets this, okay? No matter what happens, you and me... We're gonna be alright. -She needed to believe that.-
[It takes effort to restart her enthusiasm after that conversation, but Sakura likes to think she manages all the same. Smiling brightly, she pulls back some hair over her shoulder.]
It's a rum cake, so it still needs to chill a bit.
Gives me time to finish my breakfast, then! -May leaned back, re-positioning the tray before she lifted the plate and started to just sort of... shovel eggs into her mouth. Completely unceremoniously.-
[Heh. Hehe... well, Sakura isn't going to complain about the normalcy. It's just May being May, and... and that's good, right? Like everything is normal in their world.
Like her best friend hadn't just confessed her affections and Sakura shot her down.
... Smile brightening again, like a reflex, Sakura fiddles with the bed sheet before speaking up almost timidly.]
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I wouldn't say "asshole" -- you were just stressed about something.
[But yes, she remembers, and nods at the question.]
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After last month, I was basically forced to look at my life, where it was now, and how much different it is than I ever expected to be. Not just because of retrospec and the stuff I see the other me go through, or the memories my friends all have to face. Just all of it, together. My childhood, my life now...
I always thought... I had no right to burden others with my problems, you know? That everyone was already dealing with so much, that I'd only just be another problem... Well, it turns out my feelings are another thing I was ready to just square up and prop up onto my back and carry like a weight, even if it killed me...
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It's why Sakura hides the bottom half of her face into her knees, biting her lip out of sight. Nervous, as if May is pointedly narrating all of Sakura's faults along with her own. She feels the hairs on the back of her neck rise--
And then forces herself to stop it, just listen. There's a point to all of this, and more than anything it's clear that May's been holding too much in. After a pause, Sakura nods with a quiet sigh.]
I... get it. I really do. [Another nod, another silent exhale] But don't ever think your feelings would be a burden to me, okay? I want to support you any way I can.
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Well. I know you mean that. But this might be a little different, since...
The feelings involve you.
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[That's... um. Not that Sakura had any idea where this might lead, but she feels befuddled and suddenly nervous when told the source of May's problems might be... herself.
Unbidden, she brings her head up, expression slowly morphing into horror]
Did I do something? May-chan, I'm sorry...
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You ain't gotta make a face like that, Sakura. You did do something, but it's probably the greatest thing that's ever happened to me...
I can't say when it began. When you bought me ice cream when I was about ready to let myself drown in the ocean... when we met by chance at the shelter, and I could see how tired your eyes were, and I wanted only to return the favor...
Waking up every morning, hearing your voice, knowing it was a sign I was gonna have a good day, no matter what happened, so long as I still had that voice, that face to see day after day.
Holding you when you cried. Laughing with you when you told a joke. The time I've been with you, even if it's been relatively short, has been the greatest treasure.
... When I felt like it might all go away, that there was a possibility of a world without you to share it with...
... Remember, at your birthday party, you said I'd find the 'right person' someday, and I said I already had?
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She's heard bits and pieces of this already -- May has never been shy about admitting Sakura's importance in her life -- but Sakura can feel the difference now, in how May looks at her, speaks to her, the overwhelming fondness permeating the air.
She remembers responding to it in kind, blindly devoting her affections to her best friend. Very blindly, it's now dawning on her.
Sakura's eyes are the width of saucers, breath frozen in her lungs]
... You meant me?
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Yeah... I love you, Sakura. -No, she'd said that before, hadn't she? But this was different. Her very tone was different. This was an honesty between May, Sakura, and God.
The ball was, officially, finally, in Sakura's court.-
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She doesn't think to look away from her friend; she's already been caught by May's stare, so there's no hiding the shocked static on her end, that she's at a loss for words.
There's only so long she can stay guarded from her emotions, however. Sakura's always been an expressive girl -- quiet, yes, eager to please the people around her, but she lacks the experience necessary to craft a convincing lie in the heat of the moment.
And so slowly, her eyebrows begin to knot, eyes widening still, mouth pulling into a line. She's not wearing surprise...
It looks much closer to sadness.
An apology.]
May-chan...
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I should be the one apologizing... -Sakura hadn't said it, but she knew that tone. She'd heard it so many times before, even if there was a different, distinct, fragile quality to it now.-
But please... Don't feel pressured to return my feelings. I... I know I don't really have a right to them. What I've decided, is that no matter what happens... I plan to still be here at your side, no matter what label we have for each other. -Or what becomes of them as the future unfolds. Because she can see, at least partially, into Sakura's heart, and see that uncertainty.-
So... sorry. But I have to live honestly with you from here on, or we would have both almost died for nothing.
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[She hopes the words don't sound automatic; she doesn't mean them to be. More than anything, Sakura wants to stay true to her promise -- that she'll support May no matter what, and with no secrets between them.
... God, but she's such a fool. In the face of May's kind acceptance, Sakura fights back a swell of tears as the memories play behind her eyes: every moment they've shared, and how her best friend must've been suffering the entire time while Sakura looked on oblivious.
In the end, she couldn't even give May the answer she was looking for, on her birthday of all days.]
Thank you, though... for telling me. [It rings like a consolation prize, but it's all she can offer. Her hands fidget against themselves as she looks down at the bed sheet] I'm glad you won't have to hide it anymore.
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But are you gonna be okay? Everything I was worried about, the whole reason I'd tried so hard to keep it a secret, was because I was afraid of burdening you with my feelings. I know you're going through so much, everything that's happened so far...
I know it must seem childish, but I just thought I'd create problems for you if I ever said any of this, or did anything to make it more obvious...
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[It's not so much a lie if she just... wills herself to be alright for the sake of her friend, is it? Well no matter. The spotlight's on her, so Sakura puts a smile on her face, looking back in May's direction]
Even if that weren't the case, you shouldn't have to shoulder a burden just because I'm...
[The trail off ends with a shrug, her fingers finally stilling]
We're still best friends, aren't we? So... things aren't going to change.
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This girl, she knew too well to just smile in situations like this, right? Hell she had to have someone chase off an unwanted admirerer for her, not that May blamed her for it. Those were pretty awkward positions to be in, and she'd just put Sakura in one at that moment, even if things were different in their relationship than what Sakura had with a classmate.
She may not be carrying that burden anymore, at least not the same one, one that settled in a bit more easily across her back, and didn't pull at her heart like a hook so much as it was like wearing a weighted blanket... But she still needed the assurance that Sakura would be able to handle this, or confessing it would have been completely for not.
She didn't need Sakura to love her back, not the same way she loved her. But she did need her to be 'okay', and she wasn't quite convinced.-
Because you're what? Come on, girl, you gotta be as honest with me as I just was with you. Of course we're still ride or die, but if there's stuff we gotta work on together, you gotta tell me... Please...
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That I'm oblivious, I meant.
[At least she can give May the truth here; it's an easy one to admit. Often times she's locked in her own head, and look at how many problems it ends up creating.]
You probably tried to tell me in your own way a couple of times, but I didn't see it, no matter how obvious it was.
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W-well... -She sheepishly pulled back.- Not on purpose... The fact is, I was trying really hard to keep it to myself, but that night at your birthday, I slipped.
See... and feel free to tell me this was a dumb idea because I know it was -Kei even told her as much- but... I was so tired of keeping it to myself, I thought if I dressed real nice and flirted a bit with you, that you'd fall for me and then I wouldn't have to keep it secret anymore.
-A long sigh, pinching her eyes shut and rubbing at her temples.- I know, I know, that was never gonna work and I wound up making you worry about me instead.
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She sure does remember that.]
Eheh... [Her giggle couldn't get more awkward if she put effort into it, and nervously, she fiddles with her fingers again.]
I mean, you did look nice.
[Just not in the way May had intended, and oh, she's better off not talking about this.]
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But I think I'm done with dumb shit like that for now. I'm happy to just be where we are. But now you at least know how I feel... If nothing happens, I'm at peace with that.
-At least that's what she was telling herself.-
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That's a phrase that sits awkwardly in her stomach, tossing up anxiety and concern alike. Much as she knows she's probably making assumptions, it gives the sense that May is still waiting on the final, final verdict -- that Sakura's feelings might change with time.
In other words, an expectation. And if she were surprised by how well this was going, now the true hurdle has appeared. Sakura sits silent for a moment.]
May-chan...
[...]
Do you... still want me to stay here? On the ship with you? Even though I don't... feel like that?
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But the truth was...-
I do. Because beyond what I feel, you're still the most important person to me here... And whether it's as my best friend or as my lover, I don't... really want to be in a world where you're not a constant part of my life.
That... must sound really childish, right? Or... idk, the word. Co-dependent, maybe? Like, I know it's impossible to go back to how simple things were before, but it was never that simple, was it? Mostly... I just can't imagine how I'd live without you.
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It doesn't change that what she ends up feeling is a deep sense of relief when May gives her the truth. For better or worse, the Mayship is like her home. Where would she even go? It'd be too much to ask her sister for help, and even Kei.
And more than that... she cares too much about May to leave her alone on this giant ship.]
Okay. Then I'll stay.
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Thank you... I'm gonna do my best to make sure neither of us regrets this, okay? No matter what happens, you and me... We're gonna be alright. -She needed to believe that.-
Now... I know I smelled baking earlier.
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[It takes effort to restart her enthusiasm after that conversation, but Sakura likes to think she manages all the same. Smiling brightly, she pulls back some hair over her shoulder.]
It's a rum cake, so it still needs to chill a bit.
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Like her best friend hadn't just confessed her affections and Sakura shot her down.
... Smile brightening again, like a reflex, Sakura fiddles with the bed sheet before speaking up almost timidly.]
I still have to give you your present, you know.
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