-In all honesty, May had seen that coming. With a hum, she set the tray aside, pulling herself free of the bedsheet and crawling closer to Sakura, right into her face, looking as if she was closely inspecting a piece of gear, staring a much more direct line into Sakura.
This girl, she knew too well to just smile in situations like this, right? Hell she had to have someone chase off an unwanted admirerer for her, not that May blamed her for it. Those were pretty awkward positions to be in, and she'd just put Sakura in one at that moment, even if things were different in their relationship than what Sakura had with a classmate.
She may not be carrying that burden anymore, at least not the same one, one that settled in a bit more easily across her back, and didn't pull at her heart like a hook so much as it was like wearing a weighted blanket... But she still needed the assurance that Sakura would be able to handle this, or confessing it would have been completely for not.
She didn't need Sakura to love her back, not the same way she loved her. But she did need her to be 'okay', and she wasn't quite convinced.-
Because you're what? Come on, girl, you gotta be as honest with me as I just was with you. Of course we're still ride or die, but if there's stuff we gotta work on together, you gotta tell me... Please...
[Maybe if this was the first conversation she's had about this, Sakura would be more caught off-guard by May's question. Instead, it seems like everyone is pushing more than usual, all of these gentle insistences that Sakura not hide behind her smile.]
That I'm oblivious, I meant.
[At least she can give May the truth here; it's an easy one to admit. Often times she's locked in her own head, and look at how many problems it ends up creating.]
You probably tried to tell me in your own way a couple of times, but I didn't see it, no matter how obvious it was.
-Well that was a different sort of stab in the heart, at least, if only because it reminded May how really terrible she'd been at keeping it a secret...-
W-well... -She sheepishly pulled back.- Not on purpose... The fact is, I was trying really hard to keep it to myself, but that night at your birthday, I slipped.
See... and feel free to tell me this was a dumb idea because I know it was -Kei even told her as much- but... I was so tired of keeping it to myself, I thought if I dressed real nice and flirted a bit with you, that you'd fall for me and then I wouldn't have to keep it secret anymore.
-A long sigh, pinching her eyes shut and rubbing at her temples.- I know, I know, that was never gonna work and I wound up making you worry about me instead.
But I think I'm done with dumb shit like that for now. I'm happy to just be where we are. But now you at least know how I feel... If nothing happens, I'm at peace with that.
That's a phrase that sits awkwardly in her stomach, tossing up anxiety and concern alike. Much as she knows she's probably making assumptions, it gives the sense that May is still waiting on the final, final verdict -- that Sakura's feelings might change with time.
In other words, an expectation. And if she were surprised by how well this was going, now the true hurdle has appeared. Sakura sits silent for a moment.]
May-chan...
[...]
Do you... still want me to stay here? On the ship with you? Even though I don't... feel like that?
-... Part of her wonders if it'd be easier for them both if they did part ways. Neither would have to spend their days carrying any kind of awkward emotional labors for the other. Sakura wouldn't have to worry about crossing any boundaries that would send the wrong signals. May didn't have to worry about pushing things too far in a direction that validated her own feelings.
But the truth was...-
I do. Because beyond what I feel, you're still the most important person to me here... And whether it's as my best friend or as my lover, I don't... really want to be in a world where you're not a constant part of my life.
That... must sound really childish, right? Or... idk, the word. Co-dependent, maybe? Like, I know it's impossible to go back to how simple things were before, but it was never that simple, was it? Mostly... I just can't imagine how I'd live without you.
[With the question out, Sakura's thoughts can't help but mirror May's -- that this has "Bad Idea" written all over it, and what the two of them need more than anything is distance and time.
It doesn't change that what she ends up feeling is a deep sense of relief when May gives her the truth. For better or worse, the Mayship is like her home. Where would she even go? It'd be too much to ask her sister for help, and even Kei.
And more than that... she cares too much about May to leave her alone on this giant ship.]
-That was a relief they shared, with May's smile softening again, warm as it had been before, letting out one last sigh.-
Thank you... I'm gonna do my best to make sure neither of us regrets this, okay? No matter what happens, you and me... We're gonna be alright. -She needed to believe that.-
[It takes effort to restart her enthusiasm after that conversation, but Sakura likes to think she manages all the same. Smiling brightly, she pulls back some hair over her shoulder.]
It's a rum cake, so it still needs to chill a bit.
Gives me time to finish my breakfast, then! -May leaned back, re-positioning the tray before she lifted the plate and started to just sort of... shovel eggs into her mouth. Completely unceremoniously.-
[Heh. Hehe... well, Sakura isn't going to complain about the normalcy. It's just May being May, and... and that's good, right? Like everything is normal in their world.
Like her best friend hadn't just confessed her affections and Sakura shot her down.
... Smile brightening again, like a reflex, Sakura fiddles with the bed sheet before speaking up almost timidly.]
[The whole day is meant to be a present, really. It's why she supposes now is as good a time as any. The cardigan she's wearing has a pocket on the inside, and after a beat, Sakura reaches inside, gently digging out what she ends up presenting to the other girl.
It's... a bracelet. An obvious callback to the gift May had given her. But this one isn't quite aged, more obviously in good condition, a set of orange gems connected by a golden clasp. All of the stones are the same size, except for one in the middle -- slightly larger, and with more pronounced detailing that might remind one of ocean waves.]
-While Sakura's own eyes had certainly seen softer sides of May before, given how close they were, there is still an uncharacteristically 'fluffy' quality to the way May's disposition shifts, warmth radiating as she took the bracelet, thumbing over each gem...-
[She wasn't sure if May was one for jewelry, or anything as expensive as the bracelet she's holding in her hand (Sakura is absolutely not telling her the price point unless cornered), but the soft gaze and softer words bolster her relief.]
-Between everything else that morning, and now this, her attempts to get an even closer look at the 'wave' markings in the gem ended up for naught, as her vision started to blur. A sniffle, and rubbing at her cheek, and it was soon obvious... Oh. She'd started crying.-
I love it! I... um... -Sniff. Damnit, she'd been doing so well... Now it felt like it was all threatening to breech, like a damn bursting.-
Because she wouldn't blame her friend if this gift hit like a double-edged sword; it's why Sakura was hesitant to give it to her after... everything. She frets on the bed, looking to May but not reaching out yet, already concerned that she'll do damage.
(Is this how it's going to be for a while...?)]
May-chan... [What she does end up doing is scooting closer, so that they're settled side by side, and after a pause, she nudges the other girl with her shoulder]
-May rubs at her face, letting out a frustrated groan that's just as quickly followed by a nervous giggle. This was... embarrassing, but she couldn't hold it in. Not only was she pretty much incapable, even if she was, she couldn't. She had to... be honest with Sakura. From here on. About everything. And that included her emotional vulnerabilities, didn't it?-
Sorry it's just... It's a lot of things, you know? But I am happy... Not just with the gift, but that... you didn't run away, or wanted to leave me, even if you didn't return my feelings...
-She sniffled, rubbing at her face some more. Damnit, she could barely see...-
I don't want to have a life without you in it, and this... -She held up the bracelet.- And this is really pretty, too. I love it. -Ugly crying, aside.-
Happy tears then. Immediately Sakura relaxes, bumps her shoulder against May's again with more feeling this time.]
Don't worry, I would never leave over this.
[Maybe one day they'll have to cross that bridge -- Sakura hasn't promised she won't love another, or that one day she might find a reason to live elsewhere, but that day isn't today and she's thankful for it.]
I can't imagine a life without you, either. That hasn't changed.
Then... that's probably the best birthday present I can hope for. Still being able to be by your side. -It still felt so selfish to say that, but the awareness of it didn't stop her from doing it. It didn't stop her from clinging to what she still had. She'd always been that way, refusing to let go of those she close to, even if it might have been healthier to do so. She still visited Yin every day, after all, and she'd been off the network for months. Sakura occupied real estate in her heart, and she never wanted that to change even if...
... even if it was going to hurt sometimes, knowing they didn't see each other the same way. But it was fine, so long as she still got the be with her in some way... right?
She hadn't realized it... but she was clutching the bracelet rather tightly. Her knuckles had gone white.-
We're gonna try, at least... -May's hand relaxed, at least a little, once she felt Sakura's touch. She was getting too lost in her own head for a moment, and the anchor back to reality helped more than she could say.-
From now on, no more stuff held inside between us. We're gonna survive this weird new world together.
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This girl, she knew too well to just smile in situations like this, right? Hell she had to have someone chase off an unwanted admirerer for her, not that May blamed her for it. Those were pretty awkward positions to be in, and she'd just put Sakura in one at that moment, even if things were different in their relationship than what Sakura had with a classmate.
She may not be carrying that burden anymore, at least not the same one, one that settled in a bit more easily across her back, and didn't pull at her heart like a hook so much as it was like wearing a weighted blanket... But she still needed the assurance that Sakura would be able to handle this, or confessing it would have been completely for not.
She didn't need Sakura to love her back, not the same way she loved her. But she did need her to be 'okay', and she wasn't quite convinced.-
Because you're what? Come on, girl, you gotta be as honest with me as I just was with you. Of course we're still ride or die, but if there's stuff we gotta work on together, you gotta tell me... Please...
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That I'm oblivious, I meant.
[At least she can give May the truth here; it's an easy one to admit. Often times she's locked in her own head, and look at how many problems it ends up creating.]
You probably tried to tell me in your own way a couple of times, but I didn't see it, no matter how obvious it was.
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W-well... -She sheepishly pulled back.- Not on purpose... The fact is, I was trying really hard to keep it to myself, but that night at your birthday, I slipped.
See... and feel free to tell me this was a dumb idea because I know it was -Kei even told her as much- but... I was so tired of keeping it to myself, I thought if I dressed real nice and flirted a bit with you, that you'd fall for me and then I wouldn't have to keep it secret anymore.
-A long sigh, pinching her eyes shut and rubbing at her temples.- I know, I know, that was never gonna work and I wound up making you worry about me instead.
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She sure does remember that.]
Eheh... [Her giggle couldn't get more awkward if she put effort into it, and nervously, she fiddles with her fingers again.]
I mean, you did look nice.
[Just not in the way May had intended, and oh, she's better off not talking about this.]
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But I think I'm done with dumb shit like that for now. I'm happy to just be where we are. But now you at least know how I feel... If nothing happens, I'm at peace with that.
-At least that's what she was telling herself.-
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That's a phrase that sits awkwardly in her stomach, tossing up anxiety and concern alike. Much as she knows she's probably making assumptions, it gives the sense that May is still waiting on the final, final verdict -- that Sakura's feelings might change with time.
In other words, an expectation. And if she were surprised by how well this was going, now the true hurdle has appeared. Sakura sits silent for a moment.]
May-chan...
[...]
Do you... still want me to stay here? On the ship with you? Even though I don't... feel like that?
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But the truth was...-
I do. Because beyond what I feel, you're still the most important person to me here... And whether it's as my best friend or as my lover, I don't... really want to be in a world where you're not a constant part of my life.
That... must sound really childish, right? Or... idk, the word. Co-dependent, maybe? Like, I know it's impossible to go back to how simple things were before, but it was never that simple, was it? Mostly... I just can't imagine how I'd live without you.
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It doesn't change that what she ends up feeling is a deep sense of relief when May gives her the truth. For better or worse, the Mayship is like her home. Where would she even go? It'd be too much to ask her sister for help, and even Kei.
And more than that... she cares too much about May to leave her alone on this giant ship.]
Okay. Then I'll stay.
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Thank you... I'm gonna do my best to make sure neither of us regrets this, okay? No matter what happens, you and me... We're gonna be alright. -She needed to believe that.-
Now... I know I smelled baking earlier.
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[It takes effort to restart her enthusiasm after that conversation, but Sakura likes to think she manages all the same. Smiling brightly, she pulls back some hair over her shoulder.]
It's a rum cake, so it still needs to chill a bit.
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Like her best friend hadn't just confessed her affections and Sakura shot her down.
... Smile brightening again, like a reflex, Sakura fiddles with the bed sheet before speaking up almost timidly.]
I still have to give you your present, you know.
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[The whole day is meant to be a present, really. It's why she supposes now is as good a time as any. The cardigan she's wearing has a pocket on the inside, and after a beat, Sakura reaches inside, gently digging out what she ends up presenting to the other girl.
It's... a bracelet. An obvious callback to the gift May had given her. But this one isn't quite aged, more obviously in good condition, a set of orange gems connected by a golden clasp. All of the stones are the same size, except for one in the middle -- slightly larger, and with more pronounced detailing that might remind one of ocean waves.]
... It reminded me of you.
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It's beautiful...
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[She wasn't sure if May was one for jewelry, or anything as expensive as the bracelet she's holding in her hand (Sakura is absolutely not telling her the price point unless cornered), but the soft gaze and softer words bolster her relief.]
I mean, of course, if it's not to your tastes...
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I love it! I... um... -Sniff. Damnit, she'd been doing so well... Now it felt like it was all threatening to breech, like a damn bursting.-
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Because she wouldn't blame her friend if this gift hit like a double-edged sword; it's why Sakura was hesitant to give it to her after... everything. She frets on the bed, looking to May but not reaching out yet, already concerned that she'll do damage.
(Is this how it's going to be for a while...?)]
May-chan... [What she does end up doing is scooting closer, so that they're settled side by side, and after a pause, she nudges the other girl with her shoulder]
... Don't force yourself, okay?
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Sorry it's just... It's a lot of things, you know? But I am happy... Not just with the gift, but that... you didn't run away, or wanted to leave me, even if you didn't return my feelings...
-She sniffled, rubbing at her face some more. Damnit, she could barely see...-
I don't want to have a life without you in it, and this... -She held up the bracelet.- And this is really pretty, too. I love it. -Ugly crying, aside.-
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Happy tears then. Immediately Sakura relaxes, bumps her shoulder against May's again with more feeling this time.]
Don't worry, I would never leave over this.
[Maybe one day they'll have to cross that bridge -- Sakura hasn't promised she won't love another, or that one day she might find a reason to live elsewhere, but that day isn't today and she's thankful for it.]
I can't imagine a life without you, either. That hasn't changed.
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... even if it was going to hurt sometimes, knowing they didn't see each other the same way. But it was fine, so long as she still got the be with her in some way... right?
She hadn't realized it... but she was clutching the bracelet rather tightly. Her knuckles had gone white.-
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... Sakura absolutely does. But this time, she won't let her smile waver, instead reaching over and grasping May's hand into her.]
We'll be okay.
[Even if it takes a while, Sakura doesn't have the strength to believe anything other than that]
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From now on, no more stuff held inside between us. We're gonna survive this weird new world together.