You look amazing, though... I mean, maybe I'm the worst person to ask, because I'd think you'd look amazing no matter what...
-No, stop, you're letting it all leak out. Not here, not in this moment with her resting, now a bit more gently, on top of you. You're going to ruin so much if you don't shut up. Just stop it.-
[ Jen's smile kept growing until it threatened to burst. a bashful little laugh escaped her lips and she pushed up off of Satsuki into a sitting - straddling? - position. ] Oh c'mon, stop! I know you're my number one ego-booster for sure, but even this is going a bit far, don't you think? You're going to make me blush...
[ she isn't seriously chiding her friend for it. no, it's more that it was giving Jen a funny feeling in her chest as well as the way her face was heating up with each passing second. she even found it difficult to look her prone friend in the eyes in that moment. ]
-Satsuki propped herself on her elbows, keeping their faces close together, though in a somewhat more familiar scale, just slightly below Jen's nose, looking up at her. She was gorgeous before. Of course she was. Satsuki had felt that since day one. But now it was just that more profoundly so, and not just because of some physical differences.
She'd told herself she wouldn't do this. She'd said over and over again it was just a dream, a dream she couldn't even confirm Jen remembered in any way. It didn't have to mean anything. It never should have meant anything.
But... It did. It meant so much to her. Maybe because it was because of what those other two versions of themselves had said. About how Satsuki and Jen were too cowardly to move forward despite their obvious feelings. And maybe... Satsuki was tired of them being right.
A hand reach up to comb through Jen's hair, forcing her to look Satsuki right in the eyes.-
There's my problem. I love making you blush. I love the way you smile like this. That spark in your eyes. I guess I'm too addicted to stop anymore...
-"Don't do it. Don't do this. Don't make it complicated." She was tired of telling herself that. She wanted more. The presence of another woman, of Jen's mother, of that cute girl Lina... not a bit of it was fair, because her heart knew what it wanted. She'd wanted it even before that stupid dream...
In that dream, they no longer had to worry about the burdens they carried with them. Satsuki didn't have to worry about becoming an inconvenience to Jen, sacrificing her own feelings for Jen's sake, but if Jen could still indulge with that other girl, then just what the hell was she sacrificing them for? She thought she could be happy with Jen finding a down-low relationship, but she wasn't. She'd been jealous from the moment it was obvious to her.
She was tired of just dreaming.-
Someone once asked me if I'd found the right person, and I said I'd already had... -Those words from the dream echoed in her mind, still, and now she finally spoke them aloud.
But it couldn't end with just words. Slowly, she craned her face forward, pressing her lips to Jen's. That annoying, sacred space between them finally obliterated in a single instance. She couldn't keep pretending she didn't want her. Not anymore...
[ nothing else could have flashed Jen back to that moment in that dream any faster than this. even if it had come up prior, Jen might have tried to deny that it happened, because it was too real. too painful, in a few ways, and not just the most obvious ones.
she could have - should have? - just left it at this. for a long moment she's just... there. present in the kiss but not into it at all. but after a mental kick in the teeth for herself she brings herself to take Satsuki by the shoulders and angle herself to actually indulge in the act.
that's really all it would be, right? indulging. she could blame it on a lot of things. the heat of the moment. adrenaline. lust. she's so selfish and she knows it. even if her relationships since "waking up" have been built upon a give-and-take dynamic, she has been taking a lot more than she feels is fair. just like right now, taking advantage of Satsuki's affections knowing full well that there were fundamental differences in what the two of them wanted or needed right now. ]
-The kiss seemed to last forever, suspended on a thread in time that had no beginning or end. But despite how it all felt that way, Satsuki was still very much a real person who couldn't just let herself linger in that affection forever, and such pesky things like needing air reared their head, forcing her to break the kiss, panting lightly, eyes still closed and face fully flushed. She'd done it. She'd really done it. No more dreams. No more pretending to be happy with the situation at hand. Those barriers were gone, at least on her end.-
Jen, I...
-She felt like she had to say something, to somehow confirm any of this was really happening and it wasn't just another dream playing with their hearts. Jen had returned the kiss, hadn't she? She hadn't imagined that part, right?-
[ likewise, Jen needs more than a few moments to recover. it was indeed real, and though not intense by execution, it certainly left her reeling in a different way. if Satsuki was expecting any kind of deep thought of epiphany to follow, though, she'll be sorely disappointed. Jen was never the best with her words. ]
Well, that was... a thing. [ whew. nailed it?
no. not really.
at least she looked. pleased. content, maybe? relieved? ] I, uh- Did that feel familiar for you, too...?
-And now for part two of waking up. The kiss had happened, it had been wonderful and beautiful, and the soft look on Jen's face made her heart race. But it couldn't be left alone there. The familiarity...-
It did... Because we dreamed about it. -Together.-
[ Jen covered her eyes with her hand, masking her shame at missing the obvious prior to the trip. ] God, that must have been so awkward for you. I'm so, so sorry.
[ she finally moves to get off of Satsuki and to sit cross-legged beside her on the mat. ] Listen. I... We already went over that in the dream, but I just want to be clear that we both remember it the same way. Since, you know, there were... other factors. [ more like "other personalities". ]
I remember the whole talk. About shouldering the burden of loneliness for the sake of someone else. About muting my own feelings, about ignoring yours, because we couldn't be together in a way that would satisfy either of us... Because of your life, because of mine.
And I had... -She sniffled, rubbing at her eyes.- I had convinced myself, both in that dream and in real life, that if you'd found someone you could be low key with, that you could keep a secret, you'd be fine and I just kind of took you for granted and... -She was rambling. Another sniff, and she shook her head to focus.-
But it's not... I'm so, so jealous of Kara. I'm jealous of what she's been able to do for you. I'm sorry... I think I would be even if the dream hadn't been so blunt about this.
Satsuki... [ just hearing her voice those points from the dream was hard enough, but then to have to also find out about the jealousy? just what is she supposed to do with that information?
Jen frowned, looking down at her hands as they clutched at her ankles to stop her from fidgeting. ] I. I don't know what to say. About any of that. I don't want you to be jealous, but at the same time I can't stop you from feeling that way.
No. Not really. I mean - selfish would be wishing I'd break things off with Kara. You're just... I guess it's a normal feeling? [ Jen wouldn't know. but then again... ] Like. Try not to think of it as a rejection, like what happened with Sakura.
[ she really really didn't want to bring that up at a time like this, but it was relevant. the way Satsuki had taken the same exact wording and just directed it at Jen instead of the other girl did not go unnoticed. one doesn't forget something like that. ] Just. I found someone who makes me happy, and what she wants lines up with what I need. My ... comfort zone.
... -Well. She DID wish for that. But she didn't say it, largely because of what else Jen said. Kara was good for her. She'd been so much happier, so much more fulfilled in her life since they got together. It was impossible for Satsuki not to notice. To wish for that was selfish, not thinking at all for what Jen needed in her life, things Satsuki was well aware she needed.
... But it didn't stop her from feeling it. For thinking... 'why wasn't I good enough?'. And really, she knew. Satsuki wasn't what Kara needed. It didn't make it sting any less.-
I know you did. And I know that's what I wanted for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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-No, stop, you're letting it all leak out. Not here, not in this moment with her resting, now a bit more gently, on top of you. You're going to ruin so much if you don't shut up. Just stop it.-
You really are amazing...
-STOP.-
And... -STOP.-
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[ she isn't seriously chiding her friend for it. no, it's more that it was giving Jen a funny feeling in her chest as well as the way her face was heating up with each passing second. she even found it difficult to look her prone friend in the eyes in that moment. ]
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She'd told herself she wouldn't do this. She'd said over and over again it was just a dream, a dream she couldn't even confirm Jen remembered in any way. It didn't have to mean anything. It never should have meant anything.
But... It did. It meant so much to her. Maybe because it was because of what those other two versions of themselves had said. About how Satsuki and Jen were too cowardly to move forward despite their obvious feelings. And maybe... Satsuki was tired of them being right.
A hand reach up to comb through Jen's hair, forcing her to look Satsuki right in the eyes.-
There's my problem. I love making you blush. I love the way you smile like this. That spark in your eyes. I guess I'm too addicted to stop anymore...
-"Don't do it. Don't do this. Don't make it complicated." She was tired of telling herself that. She wanted more. The presence of another woman, of Jen's mother, of that cute girl Lina... not a bit of it was fair, because her heart knew what it wanted. She'd wanted it even before that stupid dream...
In that dream, they no longer had to worry about the burdens they carried with them. Satsuki didn't have to worry about becoming an inconvenience to Jen, sacrificing her own feelings for Jen's sake, but if Jen could still indulge with that other girl, then just what the hell was she sacrificing them for? She thought she could be happy with Jen finding a down-low relationship, but she wasn't. She'd been jealous from the moment it was obvious to her.
She was tired of just dreaming.-
Someone once asked me if I'd found the right person, and I said I'd already had... -Those words from the dream echoed in her mind, still, and now she finally spoke them aloud.
But it couldn't end with just words. Slowly, she craned her face forward, pressing her lips to Jen's. That annoying, sacred space between them finally obliterated in a single instance. She couldn't keep pretending she didn't want her. Not anymore...
She wanted to finally wake up.-
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she could have - should have? - just left it at this. for a long moment she's just... there. present in the kiss but not into it at all. but after a mental kick in the teeth for herself she brings herself to take Satsuki by the shoulders and angle herself to actually indulge in the act.
that's really all it would be, right? indulging. she could blame it on a lot of things. the heat of the moment. adrenaline. lust. she's so selfish and she knows it. even if her relationships since "waking up" have been built upon a give-and-take dynamic, she has been taking a lot more than she feels is fair. just like right now, taking advantage of Satsuki's affections knowing full well that there were fundamental differences in what the two of them wanted or needed right now. ]
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Jen, I...
-She felt like she had to say something, to somehow confirm any of this was really happening and it wasn't just another dream playing with their hearts. Jen had returned the kiss, hadn't she? She hadn't imagined that part, right?-
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Well, that was... a thing. [ whew. nailed it?
no. not really.
at least she looked. pleased. content, maybe? relieved? ] I, uh- Did that feel familiar for you, too...?
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It did... Because we dreamed about it. -Together.-
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[ then, the realization. ] Oh.
[ finally: uncertainty. ] Um. We. Probably should have talked about that sooner, huh.
[ with a dash of Captain Obvious. ]
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-Satsuki sighed, some of those good feelings starting to immediately whither as the realities of their situation crept back in to her mind.-
You already have someone, so... I didn't think I had the right...
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[ she finally moves to get off of Satsuki and to sit cross-legged beside her on the mat. ] Listen. I... We already went over that in the dream, but I just want to be clear that we both remember it the same way. Since, you know, there were... other factors. [ more like "other personalities". ]
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I remember the whole talk. About shouldering the burden of loneliness for the sake of someone else. About muting my own feelings, about ignoring yours, because we couldn't be together in a way that would satisfy either of us... Because of your life, because of mine.
And I had... -She sniffled, rubbing at her eyes.- I had convinced myself, both in that dream and in real life, that if you'd found someone you could be low key with, that you could keep a secret, you'd be fine and I just kind of took you for granted and... -She was rambling. Another sniff, and she shook her head to focus.-
But it's not... I'm so, so jealous of Kara. I'm jealous of what she's been able to do for you. I'm sorry... I think I would be even if the dream hadn't been so blunt about this.
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Jen frowned, looking down at her hands as they clutched at her ankles to stop her from fidgeting. ] I. I don't know what to say. About any of that. I don't want you to be jealous, but at the same time I can't stop you from feeling that way.
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I just couldn't keep it in any longer... I'm sorry. I must seem really selfish, right about now...
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[ she really really didn't want to bring that up at a time like this, but it was relevant. the way Satsuki had taken the same exact wording and just directed it at Jen instead of the other girl did not go unnoticed. one doesn't forget something like that. ] Just. I found someone who makes me happy, and what she wants lines up with what I need. My ... comfort zone.
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... But it didn't stop her from feeling it. For thinking... 'why wasn't I good enough?'. And really, she knew. Satsuki wasn't what Kara needed. It didn't make it sting any less.-
I know you did. And I know that's what I wanted for you.