[ Jen covered her eyes with her hand, masking her shame at missing the obvious prior to the trip. ] God, that must have been so awkward for you. I'm so, so sorry.
[ she finally moves to get off of Satsuki and to sit cross-legged beside her on the mat. ] Listen. I... We already went over that in the dream, but I just want to be clear that we both remember it the same way. Since, you know, there were... other factors. [ more like "other personalities". ]
I remember the whole talk. About shouldering the burden of loneliness for the sake of someone else. About muting my own feelings, about ignoring yours, because we couldn't be together in a way that would satisfy either of us... Because of your life, because of mine.
And I had... -She sniffled, rubbing at her eyes.- I had convinced myself, both in that dream and in real life, that if you'd found someone you could be low key with, that you could keep a secret, you'd be fine and I just kind of took you for granted and... -She was rambling. Another sniff, and she shook her head to focus.-
But it's not... I'm so, so jealous of Kara. I'm jealous of what she's been able to do for you. I'm sorry... I think I would be even if the dream hadn't been so blunt about this.
Satsuki... [ just hearing her voice those points from the dream was hard enough, but then to have to also find out about the jealousy? just what is she supposed to do with that information?
Jen frowned, looking down at her hands as they clutched at her ankles to stop her from fidgeting. ] I. I don't know what to say. About any of that. I don't want you to be jealous, but at the same time I can't stop you from feeling that way.
No. Not really. I mean - selfish would be wishing I'd break things off with Kara. You're just... I guess it's a normal feeling? [ Jen wouldn't know. but then again... ] Like. Try not to think of it as a rejection, like what happened with Sakura.
[ she really really didn't want to bring that up at a time like this, but it was relevant. the way Satsuki had taken the same exact wording and just directed it at Jen instead of the other girl did not go unnoticed. one doesn't forget something like that. ] Just. I found someone who makes me happy, and what she wants lines up with what I need. My ... comfort zone.
... -Well. She DID wish for that. But she didn't say it, largely because of what else Jen said. Kara was good for her. She'd been so much happier, so much more fulfilled in her life since they got together. It was impossible for Satsuki not to notice. To wish for that was selfish, not thinking at all for what Jen needed in her life, things Satsuki was well aware she needed.
... But it didn't stop her from feeling it. For thinking... 'why wasn't I good enough?'. And really, she knew. Satsuki wasn't what Kara needed. It didn't make it sting any less.-
I know you did. And I know that's what I wanted for you.
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-Satsuki sighed, some of those good feelings starting to immediately whither as the realities of their situation crept back in to her mind.-
You already have someone, so... I didn't think I had the right...
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[ she finally moves to get off of Satsuki and to sit cross-legged beside her on the mat. ] Listen. I... We already went over that in the dream, but I just want to be clear that we both remember it the same way. Since, you know, there were... other factors. [ more like "other personalities". ]
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I remember the whole talk. About shouldering the burden of loneliness for the sake of someone else. About muting my own feelings, about ignoring yours, because we couldn't be together in a way that would satisfy either of us... Because of your life, because of mine.
And I had... -She sniffled, rubbing at her eyes.- I had convinced myself, both in that dream and in real life, that if you'd found someone you could be low key with, that you could keep a secret, you'd be fine and I just kind of took you for granted and... -She was rambling. Another sniff, and she shook her head to focus.-
But it's not... I'm so, so jealous of Kara. I'm jealous of what she's been able to do for you. I'm sorry... I think I would be even if the dream hadn't been so blunt about this.
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Jen frowned, looking down at her hands as they clutched at her ankles to stop her from fidgeting. ] I. I don't know what to say. About any of that. I don't want you to be jealous, but at the same time I can't stop you from feeling that way.
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I just couldn't keep it in any longer... I'm sorry. I must seem really selfish, right about now...
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[ she really really didn't want to bring that up at a time like this, but it was relevant. the way Satsuki had taken the same exact wording and just directed it at Jen instead of the other girl did not go unnoticed. one doesn't forget something like that. ] Just. I found someone who makes me happy, and what she wants lines up with what I need. My ... comfort zone.
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... But it didn't stop her from feeling it. For thinking... 'why wasn't I good enough?'. And really, she knew. Satsuki wasn't what Kara needed. It didn't make it sting any less.-
I know you did. And I know that's what I wanted for you.